


The Pickled Murder

by Archscribe



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alien Invasion, Alternate Universe - Detectives, Arctic animals, Bears, Crack, Deliberate Badfic, Drunken Shenanigans, Family Drama, Gen, Humor, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Murder Mystery, Mysticism, Pickles - Freeform, Randomness, boogers, cats on drugs, ketchup, taglish, writing something at 12 in the morning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:26:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8484076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archscribe/pseuds/Archscribe
Summary: When a shocking murder rips a family apart, and its consequences too dire that it holds the fate of mankind in perilous balance. Join Detective Antutita del Espiritu Santo as she... he.. (it?) thread through murder and mystery, cat politics, weird sisters, and intergalactic booger invasion one beer bottle at a time.
Can she/he/it solve the murder before the catnip runs out? Will we ever know why there are penguins in space? And who keeps on stealing the cookie from the cookie jar?
Stay tune and find out in this Murder Mystery extravaganza.





	

**Author's Note:**

> One shot crackfic fueled by coffee, pickles and midnight insomnia.
> 
> Read at your own risk.

**Prologue**

 

12:34 am - Del Espiritu Santo Family Hall

 

BOOM!

 

Thunder and lighting stroke the heavens as heavy downpour battered against the window panes of the manor house. The solitary building in the middle of the estate stood eerily amidst the storm, trapping the inhabitants and their guests within its halls, waiting for the storm to subside.

 

It was Doña Lola Del Espiritu Santo's celebration of 113th years of existing... I think it's a called a birthday or something. Family and close friends came from all around the globe to have a slice of the free cake they use to give during these occasions. Festivities started exactly four in the afternoon and lasted through the evening. There were dancing of cariñosa at the beat of Justin Bieber's latest hits; free flowing champagne and apple juice; a buffet of the the most exotic goldfish dishes; and of course, a live show of flying penguins and cat gymnastics.

 

The matriarch of the most illustrious and noble house herself, the star of the evening, was no where to be found. The cake has already been blown (courtesy of sneezing elephants), and the party had died down. Guests have become restless and started murmuring to each other .. _"Where is Dona?" ... "Has she gone to the C.R.?" .... "Will we have more cake?"_ ... her granddaughters, three of them to be exact, fidgeted and started break-dancing to distract the guests. One of them, Antutita, slipped on a banana peel while doing a complicated step, and rolled over to the performing cats.

 

"You shall not pass!" shouted a clearly irritated cat. The young girl .. or was it a boy? (bakla, tomboy, butitki, baboy), gasped in awe _"Cats are talking!"_ , she thought. "Pardon me my good sir but I was just rolling in the deep". The cat was not impressed by her/his/its insolence so he called his backup dancers and began dancing Livin la Vida Loca.

 

Antutita was humbled by the gracefulness of the cats so she/he/it decided to become a cat. "Teach me sensei" she pleaded to the cat leader. "I must learn those sick moves. Please, notice me senpai" she/he/it begged and cried. The cat leader (we'll call him Papampam), agreed. "Very well my young padawan, i shall teach you the force. But you must have this slip signed by your mother". He handed her/him/it a piece of parchment and vanished like a ninja.

 

"Antut! where are you day?!" cried Pingularia, the second of the granddaughters. She is a fine young lady but walks funnily. Legend says that she comes from the harsh tundra of the South Pole and belongs to the Empire of the Penguins. "I am here! just under the table" Antut shouted back. "Shhh... we must find lola before they finish the cake" Ping insisted. Antut nodded and rolled outside the table and into the open arms of Pingularia. They hugged and sang Di Kita Malilimutan.

 

Pola bear was the youngest of the granddaughters. She is a lovely lady who keeps on speaking simplified chinese mandarin. "Moshi oshi anone?" she inquired her sisters. Ping nodded and the three of them went around the manor finding their beloved lola (that means grandma btw).

 

**Chapter Uno:**

 

 

A frail body rested on the cream carpet on the main sala. Crimson blood flowed from the body, darkening the carpet. A smashed window let the cold wind in, fluttering the curtains. Rain seeped into the room, wetting the delicately carved wood paneling that adorned the regal room. The narrator has no idea why he keeps on making those descriptions are they have no inherent value to the plot of the story. Heavy footsteps can be heard retreating from the scene as the harried sisters entered the room.

 

"Gotcha by golly wow!" Ping exclaimed. "Is .. is that grandmama?" she wept and collapsed into the sofa. Pola stood unmoving, eyes frozen upon the dead body of their lola. She cannot believe it! Her lola still owes her bente pesos ... the nerve!

 

But it was Antut who took out her monocles and detective hat. "It appears we have a murder in our hands" she/he/it acclaimed . DUN DUN DUN! a dramatic backdrop music echoed from Ping's iPhone. Antut has a habit of drinking anything liquid when solving crimes... it helps her/him/it unplot the mystery, but it has a downside... it makes her/him/it drunk as fudge.. as evident of her/his/its ever-growing eye bags.

 

Antut pensively strutted into the open window, brows knitted together in deep thought. "You look like you have a unibrow" quipped Pola. Antut merely shrugged and opened her/his/its mouth and sucked the torrent of rain. The effects were instantaneous, she/he/it wobbled as if drunk and knelt in front of the body. "So lola is deaders". "obviously" Pola muttered. "But who killed her? Why kill her? why now? when there are so many people here?" she/he/it stood up again and began pacing the room.

 

Ping suddenly convulsed, her eyed drew back into her eyelids and she started shaking on the floor. Her sisters were unfazed by this of course. She had been like this ever since they were little squeamish babies. Its her gift. She, as they call, a mystic. She has powers to peek into the future and all that voodoo stuff.

 

"And at last I see the light" Ping gasped "It's like the fog has lifted."

"Let it go" Pola said.

"So" Antut butted "Tell me what you want, what you really, really want".

 

Ping suddenly dabbed. Then Antut had a revelation "I knew it!"

 

Polah looked at them and produced a piece of cake out of thin air. Yes, you guessed it. Pola likes cake. "Why do you always eat cake, sister dear" Ping inquired. "Because, sister dear, it gives me powers" Polah replied. Polah has this gift that when she eats something sweet, she can have magical powers... the wand-waving, broom-riding, Hogwarts-attending magical powers.

 

"So Antoot, what is it?" Polah asked while joining her sister on her dabbing pose.

 

"The reason of the murder! Why they want to kill lola!" she/he/it then ran outside and into the foyer, sniffing the carpet and looking for clues. "Aha!" waving a piece of slimy pickle with a dog print in it "I have the first clue! Now I only need two more to solve the crime".

 

Her/his/its two sister clapped.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was just joking with the one shot part... more chapters to follow.


End file.
